Table of Contents
When it comes to leadership, one name that often tops the list is Dale Carnegie. His book, ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People,’ is a staple in this domain. But does it truly live up to its reputation? Let’s delve into this classic and find out.
First and foremost, it’s crucial to acknowledge that Dale Carnegie penned this book in 1936. While some aspects, particularly his examples, may seem outdated, the book’s core wisdom remains timeless. This perspective is essential to maintain while reading.
So, how does one “win friends” and “influence people?” I’ll explain it to you, starting with the basics.
The basics of How to Win Friends and Influence People
Dale commences How to Win Friends and Influence People with three fundamental principles on effectively managing the people in your life. These are not mere suggestions but practical insights that can significantly enhance your relationships. Whether you’ve already internalized them or not, our parents have been trying to instill much of this in us since childhood—or, perhaps, just my parents. No, I wasn’t the coolest kid. Why do you ask?
Don’t be a critical jerk
You catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. We’ve all heard that a time or two. Dale even uses a version of it in the book. The thing is, it’s true.
If you want to win people over, you’ll have a much easier time if you’re nice to them. Go around criticizing and complaining, and people will run in the other direction. That’s more common sense than sage advice, but you’d be surprised how many people don’t realize it.
Appreciate other people
Everyone wants to feel important and that they matter. According to Dale, people crave this feeling. You can satisfy this craving by recognizing and praising their contributions. Do this, and you’ll attract people to you.
But there’s a catch, and it’s a big one. Most people, even if only unconsciously, can spot phony appreciation. So, if you’re going to start doling out the appreciation, it must be genuine. Dale recommends beginning with people who do favours for you and then moving on to looking for things you can genuinely appreciate in those around you.
You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours
Dale’s third fundamental point may sound weird at first. He suggests that you arouse an eager desire in others. I’m sure this didn’t sound as cringy in 1936 as it does in the post-Metoo era. So let’s unpack it and bring it forward about ninety years.
More than anything, this is about demonstrating to others that helping you is in their best interest. Often, this takes the form of showing that your proposal is mutually beneficial.
Half of all fundraising involves explaining to potential donors why they would be much better off giving you their money.
Let’s review
Don’t be critical, use genuine praise liberally, and focus on win-win outcomes. Simple enough. And this will make people like you? Well, it’s a start. But, according to Dale, there’s a bit more to it.
Over the rest of How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale covers three main topics: how to make people like you, win people over to your perspective, and apply this to leadership. We’ll tackle those in turn.
How to make people like you in six easy steps
Now that we’ve tackled the fundamentals, let’s explore Dale’s prescription for making people take a liking to you as a person. Again, you’ll not be shocked by this, but how he spells it out for us is incredibly valuable.
Show genuine interest
Quick, name everyone’s favourite topic. Hockey? Nope. The weather is close, but still nope. The most dank episode of Bridgerton, yeah, no.
It’s themselves. Everyone loves talking about themselves, whether they admit to it or not. Now, why is that? Well, for starters, it’s the topic we’re all most familiar with.
So, how do you win people over with this knowledge? Show genuine interest in other people. Whether we’re talking about a boss, a team member, a client or a funder, treat them as an end unto themselves. Treat them as a person and show an interest in their concerns.
How do we do this? Dale lays it all out for us. I will jump around here, and we’ll cover everything, but not in the order it’s presented in How to Win Friends and Influence People.
What’s in a name?
If everyone’s favourite topic is themselves, everyone’s favourite sound is their name. I don’t know if that’s true. I prefer the sound of a light breeze blowing through the leaves of a tree. But let’s go with it.
The critical thing to remember here is other people’s names. Remember them and use them regularly in conversation. It makes people feel like an essential part of the conversation. How many people take the time to remember and use other people’s names regularly? Not many. Heck, I need to work on that myself.
The ear-to-mouth ratio
The former slave and Stoic philosopher Epictetus once said, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” Dale believes you should take this to heart. For what it’s worth, so do I.
How do we get people to like us? We should encourage them to talk about themselves and listen to what they say. And I mean listen to them. Pay attention to their nonverbal cues, suppress your judgment, employ empathy, and give them your undivided attention.
Be interested in the other person’s interests
Now that you’re actively listening, you should be able to pick up on topics of interest for whomever you’re talking to. Once you find those, focus on them.
How, you ask? Ask questions. If it’s a topic you have some understanding of, you can ask more complex questions. But you’re almost better off if it’s a topic you aren’t familiar with because you can spend most of the conversation just learning the basics.
What do you do if your conversation partner’s favourite topics are manga-themed body pillows, fictional languages, and obscure facts about 1800s cuisine? Guess what you’re getting a crash course in.
Remember the section above about actively listening? Set aside your judgment and treat it as a learning experience. You never know when your newly acquired knowledge of Attack on Titan body pillows, Klingon, and fricassees will prove helpful.
Make them feel important
Combining everything above should go a long way toward making your conversation partners feel like they matter, and that’s your goal. People will like you if you demonstrate that they are important to you. Do this through your conversations and your actions. Remember their name and past discussions. Email them or send them a physical card if you know their birthday or anniversary. Give them your time and attention, and they will like you.
None of this is, of course, easy. Dale wouldn’t need to write a book about it if we all had some instinctive likeability sense. And, if you’re an introvert like me, you’ve got even more of a challenge to overcome. But if your goal is to have people like you. Dale has set out a pretty straightforward strategy. And to cap off that strategy, we’ve got one more thing to mention.
Say, “Cheese!”
I’m well aware that this isn’t going to land well. It’s part of the reason I left it until the end. Just remember, Dale put this in How to Win Friends and Influence People. So, please don’t shoot the messenger.
Please be sure to smile.
Now that I’ve finished recoiling in fear. Let’s talk about why this matters. People know when you’re smiling. And they don’t even need to see your face. Research shows that people can identify when the person they’re talking to is smiling, even when listening to a recording or talking over the phone.
Smiling also fires up those mirror neurons. The parts of the brain that encourage us to be more like those around us. If you want to test this out, walk down a work hallway or the street to the coffee shop and smile at everyone. Very quickly, the people who look at you will start smiling back.
I’ve worked with a fundraiser who uses this technique well. Before she calls to thank a donor, she ensures she’s smiling. She’ll even watch a funny or uplifting video beforehand. She’s always told me that people feel your appreciation comes across as more genuine if you sound like you’re happy to talk to them.
Sum it up
To recap, we make people like us by showing genuine interest in them. We remember and use their name, listen actively, take an interest in what they talk about, make them feel important, and, yes, remember to smile.
Now that we’ve learned how to get people to like us, let’s win them over to our way of thinking.
Twelve ‘Easy’ steps to get people Thinking like you
We’ve discussed how to make people like you, but can we take it further? Can we get people to adopt our way of thinking? Dale says we can and offers us twelve key points to remember.
Win arguments by not having them
In the last section, we covered how to get people to like you. If you’re curious about how to make people dislike you, beating them in an argument is near the top of that list.
When I was younger (and much dumber), I wasted countless hours arguing with friends, family and strangers on Facebook and Twitter. Want to know how many people I won over to my way of thinking with my superior intellect and deft deployment of countless facts?
None.
All I got to show for my efforts was a fleeting sense of smug satisfaction and elevated blood pressure. I wince every time I think about all the time I wasted accomplishing nothing other than incrementally deteriorating my mental health.
So, when Dale says you should avoid unnecessary arguments, I (now) understand entirely. I hope you will learn this lesson more quickly than I did.
Respect the other person’s opinions
For step #2 in How Not to Be Like Me, you should take another lesson from the sections above and employ your active listening and empathy skills. When you disagree with someone, you should respect their opinions.
Dale cautions us never to tell somebody they are wrong. That’s the fastest way to crash the conversation and put the other person on the defensive. And, the second they’re on the defensive, you won’t win them over to anything.
Again, with that empathy stuff
Dale’s following two points are similar, so I’ll combine them. Again, you will see callbacks to things we discussed earlier.
Try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and better understand their point of view. At the same time, show empathy and understanding for the other person’s ideas and desires.
Dale provides an excellent example of an elevator repair person dealing with a hotel manager who doesn’t want the elevator shut down for repairs. Hearing the hotel manager’s perspective, the elevator repair person understands that the hotel manager’s resistance stems from a desire not to inconvenience his guests. The elevator repair person then explains that while the current repairs are a nuisance, putting them off could result in a much more costly and time-consuming shutdown later. By taking this approach, the hotel manager is convinced and agrees to the current repairs. I included this example from How to Win Friends and Influence People because it was actually relatable in 2024.
Listen more than you talk
Again, another point from earlier. On my first readthrough of this book, I didn’t realize how repetitive it is. Still, it’s a good kind of repetitive—less tedious and more reinforcing.
Many challenging conversations revolve around the other person’s need to feel heard. The very act of listening to them can often be enough to alleviate much of the tension, if not resolve the issue entirely. It also allows you to find common ground and demonstrate empathy—full circle.
Highlight when you are wrong
I once backed into a car behind me at a stop sign. Long story short, I was creeping forward, ready to go, when I noticed a car approaching that I had previously missed. I backed up to get out of its way and right into the car behind me, which had been following my creep forward.
I felt the bump, looked in my rearview mirror, and immediately saw the rage welling up in the face of the driver behind me.
I hopped out of my car, and the other driver exited their vehicle, clearly ready for a fight. But we didn’t fight.
The first words out of my mouth were, “I am so sorry! That was completely my fault! I should have been looking where I was going.” You should have seen the look on the other driver’s face. The rage melted away almost instantaneously. They even apologized for creeping up behind me.
I diffused an agitated conversation by being transparent about my wrongdoings and faults. It only sometimes works this magically, but the experience has stuck with me enough that I now try to practice this whenever I’ve made a mistake. Fortunately, neither car was damaged, and I didn’t have to learn this lesson the hard way.
Start from a place of positivity
Yes, I saw that Dan Schnieder documentary, too. We can admire the art and admonish the artist.
The point is that if you must have a challenging conversation with someone, you can ease the tension by starting positively. Consider opening with praise and appreciation (because this stuff is all tied together). Dale gives numerous examples, but most of them are quaint. Hence, the video above. Dale’s point, however, remains. Use positivity to begin difficult conversations.
Get them saying “yes”
Dale next emphasizes the importance of finding common ground. Finding something on which you can agree will smooth over the more challenging parts of a conversation.
Dale suggests using the Socratic method, a style of conversation where you ask probing questions to better understand the other person’s perspective.
Dale’s example sounds too extreme, like using leading questions to manipulate the other person into a corner where they would sound foolish to disagree with you. You don’t need to go that far, but you should still work to find common ground. When we’ve established that we agree with someone on most points, the remaining points of contention become more straightforward to resolve.
What a great idea, I wish I’d thought of it
This idea might sound slightly manipulative initially, but it’s also a great way to win people over to your thinking. You want others to own the ideas you’re proposing.
Your executive director, board, or team might need a solution to a crucial problem. You might have that solution. But, when you present it, it gets rejected. I know how that feels. It sucks.
The problem may be the delivery more than the idea itself. If you let people warm up to ideas slowly, or better yet, arrive at them on their own, they will have much more buy-in.
Try a more subtle approach instead of charging in and bludgeoning everyone with your idea (as good as that sometimes feels). Present the problem your idea solves and ask questions that prompt the other person to think of a solution similar to yours. Use their initial suggestions as a platform to build towards your solution, slowly incorporating your idea into the conversation.
Finally, let them take the credit. Your ego might sting a bit, but if you want them to buy into “their” idea, recognition will help reinforce their ownership of it.
Think like a fundraiser
My previous non-profit job had me doing fundraising and dealing with fundraisers. I will use that perspective to tackle Dale’s final three points.
Dale suggests we:
- Appeal to noble motives
- Dramatize our ideas, and
- Present a call to action
My friends, that’s fundraising in a nutshell.
We appeal to nobler motives by explaining how a donation will solve a terrible problem. We present the donor as the solution to a great injustice.
We dramatize the idea. The best fundraising appeals are compelling narratives that tell a story and frame the donor as the hero in that story.
We present a challenge to overcome. We encourage the donor to rise to the occasion and donate by clearly calling them to action.
Now, think about other situations where you might employ this strategy. Could you inspire your team or your board in the same way?
What have we learned?
We can get people to think like us by not arguing with them and doing our best to understand their ideas and perspectives. We need to listen more than we talk and start from a place of positivity. We can get them to agree with us and think our idea is theirs. Finally, we can use basic fundraising techniques to inspire action in others.
Now, you’ve probably started to see why How to Win Friends and Influence People tops so many recommended reading lists on leadership. However, if you still need to be convinced, Dale shows us how this applies to leadership in the next section.
Leading the friends you have influenced
In a book titled “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” Dale could have stopped at winning friends and influencing people. But instead, he proceeds to show us how to apply these techniques to leadership.
While there are a couple of new concepts here, many of this section’s ideas are simply reframing topics we’ve already discussed.
Praise like there’s no tomorrow
At this point, you may be thinking, “I get it. Praise people. Enough already.” But we will retread this once more to cover two points from this section: encouraging people by beginning with praise and offering praise for any and all improvements.
Every step in Dale’s book includes at least one point on using praise as your “opening salvo.” Whether you’re trying to get people to like you or win them over to your thinking, praise is a recommended first step.
So, it shouldn’t surprise you that the same goes for leadership. If you’re trying to inspire people to make a difference in themselves or for others, you cannot go wrong starting the process with praise. Of course, I shouldn’t have to mention the importance of genuine praise. We’ve beaten that dead horse more than once.
Then, be prepared to offer praise generously. Dale counsels us to praise even the slightest improvements and every improvement. We get more of what we encourage. Praise motivates and builds up your team members. Happy and inspired people are more creative and do more and better work in the long run.
The opposite is also true; criticism does not motivate our team members nearly as much as we think it does. It makes them defensive, reduces self-esteem, and stifles creativity and innovation. The remainder of this section will cover Dale’s thoughts on criticism.
Encourage change without offence or resentment
I wish I could tell you leadership is about heaping praise, putting your feet up, and watching the magic work. It’s not. As a leader, you will invariably face situations where you must guide, nudge, or even shove (metaphorically speaking) the people you lead to get them going in the right direction. Dale acknowledges this and provides us with some guidelines on how best to approach these situations.
Addressing the elephant in the room
No one wants to receive criticism, and most of us don’t even want to offer criticism. At least, I think most people are like me.
But humans aren’t perfect, and as a leader, you’ll have to redirect the people you work with at least occasionally. So, what’s the best way to go about it if that’s the case? Dale provides us with an answer. He suggests we be indirect, vulnerable, and empathic.
Suppose you must call attention to a mistake made by somebody on your team. In that case, Dale recommends taking the indirect approach. The indirect approach can be as simple as framing the criticism as a question instead of a statement.
Your answer must be in the form of a question
Instead of saying, “You f’ed this up!” you could ask, “How do you think that went?” or, “What would you do differently the next time?” Then, you should listen actively. You’ve started the conversation, and now, instead of getting in their face, you’re discussing how they can improve for the future. Remember, we’re trying to win people over to our way of thinking. Go back and re-read that section if you need a refresher on how to do that.
Why not vulnerability?
It’s also a great time to put that ego on the self and open up about your own mistakes. Your team members will appreciate the vulnerability and honesty, especially regarding the discussed issue. Being vulnerable humanizes you and makes you more relatable. That’s why we like stories with flawed but relatable characters over similar stories with flawless, perfect characters.
If direct criticism makes people defensive, vulnerability takes the opposite approach. Sharing that you’ve made the same or similar mistakes breaks down reasons to be defensive and opens your team members up to further discussion of the issues.
The astute readers may have noticed I’ve done the same thing at different times in this article.
Don’t back them into a corner
Finally, we must show empathy (here we go again) and allow our employees to save face. There’s never a good time for criticism, but even when taking the approach above, doing it during a staff meeting, hitting reply-all on an email chain, or yelling so loudly the office can hear the conversation through your closed door are the worst times.
Allow your team members the opportunity to save face and preserve their dignity, especially with their peers. We live and die by our reputations, and jeopardizing our social standing will not have a more satisfactory corrective effect. They train prison guards to give the inmates an “out” so they can back down while saving face. This approach dramatically reduces conflict between the guards and the inmates. While I don’t recommend you treat your team like inmates, you should still give them the compassion and respect necessary to allow them the same grace of maintaining their dignity. And, of course, the opposite is true as well. Public criticism might be detrimental, but public praise and recognition are mighty when used appropriately.
Don’t just protect their dignity; put it on a pedestal
Dale offers a great example in How to Win Friends and Influence People that, while a little quaint, still illustrates this point.
Dale tells us about a school teacher expecting a problem child in her class this year. All his previous teachers have warned her to look out for him.
Instead of meeting him and his reputation head-on, she takes the opportunity to build him up. When she first meets the child, our teacher tells him she’s heard he’s a natural leader and expects him to keep the rest of the class in line. Dale then tells us that this worked wonders, and the problem child turns himself around and becomes one of the best students in the class.
Whether you believe the results of this example or not, the underlying message makes perfect sense. If hurting our reputations hurts our chances at improvement, doing the opposite should have the opposite effect. Allowing your team members to improve their reputation and live up to a higher (but realistic standard) will motivate them to do and be better.
Accelerate in the proper direction
Once you’ve inspired your team members to correct their mistakes, your mentorship and encouragement will help them maintain their momentum. Regular check-ins, positive feedback (at least I didn’t say praise again), and public recognition are great tactics. Make your employees feel optimistic and appreciated for trying to improve.
Leadership for a friend-winning influencer
What does Dale tell us about inspiring change in those we lead? Let’s go over it one more time.
Like most things in How to Win Friends and Influence People, start with genuine praise. Then, indirectly approach the mistake or criticism by asking questions instead of lobbing accusations.
Start a dialogue, listen, employ empathy and be vulnerable. And, be discreet; let your employee save face with their peers.
Finally, encourage and motivate them to learn from their mistakes and improve in the future. Be there to support your team members as they continue their improvement journey.
The review?
I’m not sure if this section is necessary, but let’s include something here anyway. Is “How to Win Friends and Influence People” worth your time? I would say so. As I mentioned at the beginning, there’s a reason this book appears on so many leadership reading lists. I hope that after reading this, you agree. If I’ve sparked your interest, give it a read.